|Figure your s*** out, God.|
|Just a straight shot to the face.|
|Oh, did you, like, want me to get out of the road? Or how about I just freak out, do the exact opposite of logical, and let you run me over while my lifeless body destroys your car? Yeah? That OK? OK.|
At this point you’re probably curious as to why I hate deer so much. It’s not that I hate each individual deer, it’s that I hate the idea of deer. Actually, no, that’s wrong. I hate each individual deer on its own unique merits. Let me explain.
Deer are really, really stupid. Like, woa. Back home, we don’t have so many deer that they line the roadway at night, waiting for a car to come by before they decide to cross. Out here, we do. While patrolling the roadway at night, I’ll routinely spot an evil, lurking deer head out my window, having passed it at 45mph without seeing it. This terrifies me beyond all reason, because I know and the deer knows full well that there was every possibility that the deer could make a crazed dash to intercept my vehicle at any time, killing us both. There is no predicting it. The deer can’t help it. He’s an effing deer. So, that's why it's so horrifying, just knowing what I and the deer both know what the deer is capable of. I imagine that as I pass by the deer without hitting it, he’s thinking “I’ll get you on the way back down the hill, you motherf***er,” and then spaces out for a few hours and ultimately gets eaten by a mountain lion or something.
|EAT MORE! SO MUCH MORE!|
I think that, when deer get together and talk about their day, it goes a lot like this:
“Hey. What’d you do today?”
“Ate some grass. You?”
“Almost walked in front of this car.”
“Yeah. I think Phil died yesterday.”
“Yeah, man. He totally ran in front of a car.”
“Woa! Unreal! Well, anyway, I’ma go cross this busy highway at a dead sprint because I’m really f***ing stupid.”
“See ya, man.”
UGGHHH I HATE THEM. So much.
|Not as much as I hate these little bastards, but close. SO close.|
*Although my hatred for deer is vast, I was initially… disturbed that he’d slit the deer’s throat instead of just shooting it. However, I was informed that the method used was the same method used to slaughter livestock, and one of the folks euthanizing the animal had worked on a farm that used this method. So, if this offends you, be offended at the farmers of the world, too, I guess. Or, maybe put that rage to something useful, like studying genetics and finding a way to make it so deer can no longer reproduce, thus turning the planet into a utopia.